the heart is deceitful

coming home to visit is the best thing in the entire world. There is no better feeling than being around people who know you and are genuinely excited to see you. When you move and know hardly anyone, it's a rarity to see excitement from other people. I love excitement. It's a large part of what makes me Abbey. The weekend was filled with a lot of quality time, getting to go to Homecoming at my Alma mater, that's weird to say....congrats UCA on the championship! I loved walking around the tailgate and getting little memories of all the good times I had at UCA during my undergrad. It's crazy to think about how much my life has changed in a year. Also congrats to Molly Gardner & Lauren Canada on maid of honor and Queen! Such an honor! My four years at UCA were amazing and unforgettable. Not because of Conway, UCA, or the Bears, but because of the people I met along the way. Lifelong friendships, the very ones I miss so much when I am in Ruston. I also got to spend a little time with my other half, Conley. Conley is my b.f.f., as she would say and I won't disagree. Conley and I got close this past summer when I got the chance to babysit her and her little brother Cooper, what a blessing it was and still is in my life! I surprised Conley on Halloween night by trick or treating at her door, she looked like a child on Christmas when she saw me!The highlight of my trip home by far. Not to mention Cooper her little brother is an angel too, he gave me lots of lovin, and hugs. I have even managed to maintain a friendship with their parents, Yanci & Brandon. I enjoy their company and the short conversations we get to have while Conley is busy eating, drinking, or breathing. Otherwise, she's the chatterbox. Haha.  The comfort of my home, the smell of the fireplace, and food cooking just warmed my heart and hopefully will remain fresh in there until I get to come back for thanksgiving.
After Church today my dad,mom, and I were sitting around the table eating the scrumptious meal mom prepared for us. We started talking about cancer, the little facts I have been learning along the way in my classes. I started to discuss the one good thing about Cancer, because believe it or not there is a good thing: preparation. I told mom & dad about how we had a guest speaker come visit our class last week that was a Child Life Specialist at St.Jude's. He talked about the good thing about cancer and how you can prepare. He told us many times he got to sit and plan with children what songs they want to play at their funeral, what they want people to do, who they want to have their car, etc. My mom immediately agreed. Discussing a family who recently lost one of their sons in a tragic accident in Conway, she stated that she was sure that mother would have loved to have had more time to prepare for her son's goodbye. My dad then piped in and said you know that's what your grandmother used to say, that there was 3 things that was good about Cancer for her. She said that the first thing was preparation, getting to cope with saying goodbye and learning to let go. The second thing was the fact that she will never have to be a widow, she passed before my grandfather. And the final thing was that she never had to bury a child of her own before she passed away. My grandmother was great. I feel bad for even using such an adjective to describe her, she was amazing. Immediately my father put his hands in his face, and my mom told him it was okay to cry sometimes. My mom loves my dad so much, and so do I.  For a moment we all cried and talked about how much we missed grandma. So many days pass that I wish she was still here just to hug me. But so much of who she is, is still with me everyday. She is the first thing I think of when the word cancer comes to mind.
This afternoon I went to see the Flight with Denzel Washington, it is a must see. Exceptionally good, with a plot that has you on your feet guessing what will happen as the end of the movie draws near. It briefly touches on the essence of life and how short it can be, not only short, but also, uncertain. As if the mid-day cry session wasn't enough, I lost it again during the movie. Lost it because it reminded me of grandma again, and how much I love my parents. I also lost it because I saw the movie with some close friends that I used to get to see everyday if I wanted too, and now that is not the case. Thinking about if tonight was the unexpected last night for all of us to hang out was pulling on my heart strings. Then also losing it because reality snuck back in and I thought about how I just wished I could stay here in Conway. Not because I hate Ruston, but because I love my family here. Not just blood related family either. Don't take for granted these days with the people you have around you, if you love them, tell them. If you are doing good with your life, do better and if you are doing bad, it is never to late to start fresh. In Jeremiah chapter 17, verse 9 it says, "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" This verse may cause confusion for some, because of the ever present quote "follow your heart." But actually if I followed my heart right now, I wouldn't go back to Ruston. I would be selfish, stay at home in Conway, find a job somewhere, and never help any children with cancer. Right now my heart is saying..you miss your family....look at how much easier life is with your friends less than 5 mins away.....do what you want, don't worry about anyone else. That's the beauty of how God made us, he gave us a brain to disect those feelings in our hearts. Figure out why we feel the way we do, learn from those feelings, and move on! Letting those feelings master your life decisions could be destructive. Here's what my brain tells me about what my heart is saying...you need to make more time for your family while you are home, since the move has really revealed to you how much more you value them in your life....life is easier with your friends by your side, so try not to dwell so much on all the seriousness of growing up when you're with them, remember to be silly and laugh, those are important things to do with friends.....and last but not least, if you do what you WANT, you may never get what you NEED. I want to stay here in Conway, but what I need to do is make a difference. Which requires me to push aside what I want temporarily, because normally when you do what you need, you realize that what you wanted isn't exactly what you WANTED after all. If you are confused, take a second and think about it. The heart is decietful, not bad, but meant to be used with logic from our brains! Just think about the fruits of the spirit!Getting up bright and early to head back to Ruston, night night! Love you all.

Cooper was BuzzLightyear & Conley was a cheerleader, this was right when I got to their house after getting into town.

 That's my grandma, she is pointing to Mother Theresa, she had the priveledge to meet her. Rest in Peace Grandma, I love you.